Dying to Know

by Dale on Jul.21, 2009, under Uncategorized

I was driving around Baltimore yesterday in the course of my job.  While I do that, if I’m not on the phone, I tend to flip radio stations.  Most often, I spend less than 5 seconds on each station.  I will sometimes scan stations for my entire commute never once stopping to listen to anything I’ve heard.  Unless it really catches my ear I’m hitting that scan button again.  (Some of you are thinking ADD but that is an accusation I’ll have to defend in another post!)

Since nothing caught my ear on the FM dial I switched to the AM dial.  On the AM dial it is most unlikely that I’ll stop for anything.  Of course, that could be a result of me only giving 5 seconds for each talk show to impress me!

But yesterday I did stop on a station on the AM dial.  As I found out later, I had stopped to listen to a preacher that had passed away back in 1988.  He had a program that would go through the bible day by day.  I don’t remember what passage he was talking about.  What I do remember was this story he told….I paraphrase.

My wife had just had our first child.  It was first thing in the morning when I rushed to the hospital.  When I arrived a nurse met me and told me that the doctor would like to speak to me.  Based on how serious the nurse looked I was concerned.  I went immediately to the doctor who told me that the baby had died.

He hadn’t told my wife yet.  So I went in to her and told her.  We wept together and prayed together for hours.  When I finally left the room I went alone on to a nearby porch.  I looked straight up into the sky and asked one question.  “Why?!”

I have never stopped asking that question and I’ve never received an answer.

He went on to say that even though he asked and wondered how this could’ve happened and why this would’ve happened, he still stayed in that conversation with God.  He said that he never understood those who faced tragedy and immediately said they were fine with it…that they simply trusted.  He said it seemed to him as if they were simply trying to say the right things in order to look the part while all the anguish and confusion and anger was just covered over and hid away.  To him it seemed less hypocritical to say “God I don’t understand why you’ve done/allowed something so painful and damaging.” rather than saying “It’s all good.” while never expressing what we really think about it.

I think what impressed me about this story was the age of the man saying it.  It wasn’t said by one of my cultural peers but by someone who truly was “old school”.  He was probably in his 80′s when he said this.  He had spent many decades trying to follow after God.  But even that far in he hadn’t gained an air of superiority in his faith nor forgotten the lessons he learned when he was young.

I have had many friends tell me the same thing over the last few years and I appreciate every one of them.  But every time I hear it again from a different messenger it makes me feel that maybe I’m not on the wrong track.

This preacher went on to say that he would never understand why God took his child and he would never stop asking why.  He also wouldn’t stop thinking that someday he would get an answer.  That someday it would all be explained satisfactorily.

As I said, he passed away in ’88.  I wonder how he feels now that he has his answers.


7 Comments for this entry

  • jen
    July 21st, 2009 on 12:09 pm

    how DO you think he feels?

    Reply
  • Jaime Carroll
    July 21st, 2009 on 3:34 pm

    Pastor Dale, I know how this guy feels, I don’t know why God let me endure the abuse when I was just a little girl. I went through many things that still affect me now in my 30′s. I was raised in an abusive home and to escape, I would go to a neighbors home where even more abuse occured. So many wrongs have happened to me, and I thought maybe I did something to deserve it but when Leah was seven years old I realized just how innocent I really was. Then years later after I became a Christian and I fell with a married man, God whispered so clearly to me, He said, You have a need to be the other woman” I said, “what?” and He said, Your dad beat your mom but his girlfriends got showered with love and respect, that makes you afraid to be a wife. I couldn’t believe I had committed such a horrible sin and I didn’t think God would ever take me back, and some people in the church didn’t and still haven’t but God did! He poured out His love on me so unbelievably and He has not stopped blessing me and pouring out His love and faithfulness on me! Just because we are sometimes faithless, does not mean He is. He already paid for our sins, He is not surprised by them, He just doesn’t want us to believe in the lies satan lies to us making us believe they are condemnations from God. It is just part of His testing so we can truly see Him in the darkness of closed eyes so that on that day when we see him with eyes wide open, we will really see Him as He is, Holy, Faithful Father, Almighty, Savior, the Love of our Lives!

    Reply
  • jess
    July 21st, 2009 on 5:44 pm

    I think the best part of that story is that last sentence. He has his answers now. No matter how much life hurts at times, it’s always comforted me to know that suffering is finite and there will be redemption eventually.

    Reply
  • Dale
    July 21st, 2009 on 5:57 pm

    Jen, I honestly don’t know.

    Jaime, many times there are no answers to the question “why” when asked of God. There are tons of cards with cute little inspirational sayings that attempt to make everything okay but in the end the pain has to be borne. I don’t know the answers. Maybe carrying it is part of the equation. I’m very sorry for the terrible things you’ve experienced! No amount of sentiment takes your pain away though. It is good to hear that you have found a measure of strength and healing.

    Jess, that is the thought that intrigues me as well. I think I would say, though, it is comforting to hope that suffering is finite and there will be redemption eventually. I don’t know much anymore. :)

    Reply
  • Rita Smith
    July 22nd, 2009 on 2:11 am

    Jesus said that we should know Him and the fellowship of His suffering. It is really hard for me to understand why I need to suffer. It makes no sense to my mind and my way of thinking. To some extent I have to either believe God when He tells me that He will work everything out for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, or reject that truth. Either way I’m still stuck with the pain of life (or death as the case may be.) It seems like knowing Jesus and knowing pain should be mutually exclusive, not part of the same goal. Why do we have to suffer? Are there lessons that can be learned no other way? It is certainly okay to feel and have human emotions. Jesus had all of those same emotions.

    I think that somehow, as we go through the trials of life, we understand more clearly all that He did for us. It is in the difficulties that we learn gratitude. It is in the difficulties that we learn to trust God. Not a trust to give us what we want or to give us the outcome that we desire, but rather a trust that He is with us regardless of the outcome. When things happen the way I want them to it is easy to follow God. When things go wrong, I start doubting God, but then God meets me where I am and my perspective suddenly changes. It isn’t enjoyable in this life, but in heaven all our tears will be wiped away, our mourning will be turned into laughter and joy. I wish that I could say that I can see great things happening for you and for NHC in and through your departure. The truth is I see large numbers of people from NHC who miss you all terribly, including me. I see people who really appreciated your teaching and preaching, and who have now left to go to another church. I see people who are very disillusioned and hurting. How can I believe that God works everything out for the good of those who are called according to His purposes? I have to trust, because I can’t see it. I believe that God truly will bless you. I believe that God is going to pour out blessings on you. I also believe that He will bring healing for the hurting. Sometimes God allows things that are painful to bring about a greater blessing. Maybe that blessing is in spreading the gospel further and wider than we would have if you had stayed at NHC. Maybe God opened doors for you through this to further His Kingdom. Or maybe tools that you might not have been interested in, suddenly have become a lifeline because you weren’t allowed to stay in your comfort zone. I know that I have been blessed to know you. Maybe a lot of people in your new home town feel the same way. Maybe you have impacted people who might have otherwise given up hope. There is a reason for your pain and the pain of others. It is not a pointless random pain that we have to somehow muddle through. God does have a purpose…even if we hate it!!!

    Reply
  • Dale
    July 22nd, 2009 on 7:07 am

    Rita,

    Good to hear from you! Well written!

    You said,

    “To some extent I have to either believe God when He tells me that He will work everything out for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, or reject that truth.”

    I think I would have to say that it isn’t an on/off switch though. Nobody ever believes completely and nobody disbelieves completely. I think there is a constant movement in the degrees of our belief. Some days the pain may be all you hear and other days maybe you can hear more plainly God’s words. I do know that it is hard for me to imagine a God who wouldn’t understand why sometimes it is hard for us to believe. I think that is why he mentions the mustard seed.

    And about purpose, maybe there is one…but that doesn’t mean we know it. There is no guarantee we will ever know it. And even if we did would it have the same importance to us that it has to God? Maybe so or maybe not. So what we are left with is having to deal with the pain (at times) w/o the benefit of the big picture. I just don’t expect people to suffer terribly without questions or without anger. These are normal reactions to pain.

    Rita, thanks for your kind words regarding my impact. I don’t regret one moment of my time there and think of it all the time. As for tomorrow, who knows? Not me but time will tell.

    dale

    Reply
  • Rita Smith
    July 23rd, 2009 on 4:28 am

    I’m glad to see that you are back to writing on the computer on a more regular basis. I’ve missed reading what you have to write. I agree that it isn’t an on/off switch, and sometimes we just end up trying to get through the day and all the pain we are feeling. Matthew West sings that song about “I don’t want to go through the motions…” but sometimes that’s the best we can do. I think that it helps to remember that the suffering has a point, even if we have no idea why. It helps when I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning and I feel like I’m just existing, not really living. You may not feel the same as I do…you have multiple reasons to get out of bed…Dale,Jr. and Emily and Gwen and Audrey and Jen! But for me, the only one who cares if I don’t get up is my little dog, and he only cares because he wants to go to the bathroom and get fed. I sometimes feel like life just bypassed me. Thankfully God sometimes gives me times of refreshing, or I would probably just give up hope. I have to keep reminding myself that God does have a reason. There really is some purpose and plan. I have to get up and do something even if it isn’t exactly what I want to be doing. Some days are much harder than others. When I worked at the factory I used to tell myself that it didn’t matter how I felt, I had to get up and go to work. Besides, staying home wasn’t going to make it better, and if I didn’t work, I wouldn’t get paid. So life would still suck, but I would be poorer (and trust me I was poor enough!) Back then “going through the motions” took every ounce of strength I had. Most days I really just wanted to end my life, but I wasn’t sure if God would still let me into heaven if I killed myself. I just kept telling myself that I was God’s masterpiece. The Mona Lisa is a masterpiece, and it is just a painting of a human being. If God says that we are His masterpiece, the crowning work, the pinnacle of His achievements, what does that say about us? Would I take a knife and slash through the Mona Lisa? No, I wouldn’t. Why not? Because it is the crowning work of a very gifted artist, and it doesn’t belong to me. God said that we are not our own, we are bought with a price. We don’t really have a right to kill ourselves because we belong to Him, He made us, we are His masterpiece, and if that were not enough, He then laid down His very life to purchase us back from our slavery to sin. I guess telling myself that worked…I’m still here. The consequences of knowing that information is that I still have to get up and go to work, no matter how bad things seem, and no matter how much I hurt. It’s kind of funny; when I get up and go to work, forcing myself to go through the motions simply because I know that that is what God wants me to do, I usually end up with joy in my heart, and I find that the day wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I hope that whatever pain you have had will be lighter and easier to carry with each passing day, and that God would show you the reason you had to go through it, and the comfort which God gives you, you would be able to give to others who are also suffering. Tell Jen I love her and I miss all of you!

    Reply

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